a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
“I’m helping” 😅
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this