Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.![]()
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OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
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This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Bring back the McRib
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I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom