Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Me in tagged photos

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

😂💯

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”