Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me in tagged photos
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Know why I pulled you over?
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”