Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic