Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”