Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
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“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet