Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*