Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
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over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My dog learned how to text
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off