Cardio Made Easy
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*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Damn he played himself
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds