My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.