A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You Might Also Like
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?