When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
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*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.