The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
never ask a starfish for directions
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
He died doing what he loved: being alive
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?