Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
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If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
what could possibly go wrong?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I am HOWLING at this
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.