Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.