Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..