There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
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someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.