[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Investing in beetcoin
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Inside you there are two wolves
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”