[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
(Jupiter –
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.