My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
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Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”