Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Note to self: I am a note
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?