Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
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I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
the three genders
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840