hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!