If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
You Might Also Like
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.