I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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how it started vs how it ended
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
i actually laughed 😩
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.