@sixfootcandy My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
@gavinprobably I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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@sixfootcandy 
@velvettusk My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
@UncleDuke1969 bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
@Manda_like_wine Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
@GrowlyGrego Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
@Muaythaigirlie Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
@CorndogHospital My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
@suecorvette if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
@ArfMeasures [After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
@daemonic3 Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up