@gavinprobably

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

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@sixfootcandy

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

@velvettusk

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

@GrowlyGrego

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

@Muaythaigirlie

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

@CorndogHospital

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

@suecorvette

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

@ArfMeasures

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

@daemonic3

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me

– Kanye West warming up