I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Google assistant rules