Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink