her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?


I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.


“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁


i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign


Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.


Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?


Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”


[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one