her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My blood type is b hungry.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.