“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Super Hand Dog Face
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.