Super Hand Dog Face
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
If you, donāt know, how, to properly use a comma donāt use, them ok.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say āOh, thatās just Kyle. Heās a jerk.ā
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patientās hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us š
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up šš„³
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
āThe best eggs are stolen,ā I said.
āPoached,ā my wife corrected. āPoached.ā
āThose arenāt the variants youāre looking forā –
Obicron Kenobi
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Hot hot hot š„µ
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: Iād like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: iām passionate about being able to pay my rent