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mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Someone just threatened to call me later
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors