Someone just threatened to call me later
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Siri: Retweet me.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories