Someone just threatened to call me later
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!