People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
it’s the silliest best thing
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
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Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.