People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Why soy sad?
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know