Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
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A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known