-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.