Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
😂😂😂
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane