I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
need him
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture