Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
The asteroid..
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.