Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.