Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You Might Also Like
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Tell the colonel to bring it
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Every damn time
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money