Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs