Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me: I knew it.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
This fall on Fox:
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Manager: Your fired
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Don’t get angry…
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks