Every damn time
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.