The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
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how much for the angry fruit?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.