If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram