5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too


ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.


My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.


I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.


Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.


Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.


Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.



Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …