5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?