My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
There is no “we” in pizza
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.