[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
“you changed” bro i was 15
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
moms in horror movies
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.