You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.