Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
You Might Also Like
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…