Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*