Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*