If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars