I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
This is hilarious….
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.