The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”