A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
ouch
this has done me in for some reason
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes