Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me